so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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