Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
