dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
