Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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