i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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