He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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