it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
