Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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