im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
