He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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