I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
