nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
