K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
