did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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