I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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