Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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