i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
