It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
