I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
