oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
