Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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