Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
