His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize