hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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