Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
