Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
