apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
