Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
