Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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