then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
