broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
