I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
