New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
