You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just found puke in my bra..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize