This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
