Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
