herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
