dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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