i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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