I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
