Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
