like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
