took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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