Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My pussy is not your playground.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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