The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
