I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
