I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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