Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
