my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
