Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
