Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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