there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
