I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
