Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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