3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
