omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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