Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
