Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize