I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
