im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
too bad you live with your parents still
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
