I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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