you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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