i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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