I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
