Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
