to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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